Many couples don’t have that conversation with each other and end up ruling out couples coaching altogether or assuming they should try coaching when they’re really thinking of therapy… and then being surprised and possibly frustrated when the first session of coaching doesn’t lead to deep reflections on one’s childhood but instead ends with instructions for a “homework” assignment.
Coaching is about the how, not the why
Therapy and coaching aren’t the same. And the difference is more important than people tend to think.
Therapy often functions in reverse. It analyzes attachment history, family tendencies, and the underlying reasons for why an individual may emotionally shut down in heated arguments or seek constant affirmation. This is extremely valid, important work for a lot of people. But it’s also intentionally a slow process.
Coaching works in the opposite direction. The opening question is never “how did this start?” instead, it’s “what do you want to change and how can we make that happen starting this week?” Cognitive approaches to coaching, like cognitive behavioral therapy, for example, are specifically designed in that their structure helps you to stop or start doing certain things. If your relationship lacks healthy dialogue and conflict resolution, as well as clearly defined common objectives, coaching will get you there much quicker.
That’s not to say coaching doesn’t care about how you arrived where you are. It does, however, believe the past is only relevant insofar as that it impedes the quality of your present and future.
Coaching only works if you’re willing to do the work
This is often the point at which a lot of couples hit a roadblock. Coaching is “active,” not passive. Coaching simply isn’t time- or money-efficient if you and your partner aren’t willing to practice the exercises you’re given between sessions – if you don’t put in the work, there’s no point in showing up. If you fail at practicing active listening and holding structured check-ins between sessions, for example, it’s pretty unlikely to get on top of it during the half-hour you have a professional mediating your conversation. The couples’ coaching market requires that you and the person you’re working with share the responsibility of making sure the outcomes are worthwhile. The coach can’t be on the field with you, so to speak.
So the more uncomfortable truth is that coaching gets results for marriages that are in the danger zone of breakup – when only one partner is trying. When one partner takes true ownership by changing their own habits of communication and reactions, the dynamic in the marriage shifts and the other person starts to step up their accountability. That partner doesn’t have to be you. What your partner is or isn’t willing to do stops mattering when you really figure out that the only thing you ever had a hope of controlling was you. If speaking with that level of accountability is something that you, as a man, can appreciate, then a more structured program like Morrow Marriage offers a blueprint that’s very cut-and-dry into the communication strategies that need to be a part of your arsenal as a relationship approach.
The ‘stuck in a loop’ problem
If you and your partner have that one argument that keeps resurfacing – about money, sex, housework, the in-laws, whatever – and it never actually gets resolved, that’s a clear sign coaching could help.
This kind of repeat isn’t a weakness in you or your relationship. It’s a pattern, and patterns can be broken once you understand how they work. A coach will assess your relationship in the early sessions and quickly figure out where and why you’re looping.
Then it’s engineering: what is the trigger, what is the response, what is the escalation, and what are you left with? A Cold War, or awkward silence?
Dr. John Gottman‘s research showed us that couples tend to wait an average of six years of being unhappy before seeking any help. That’s enough time for a few resentments to harden into a way of life, which is why generally the earlier you start the work, the better your chances.
Coaching has a timeline, and that’s a feature
One of the underappreciated aspects of marriage coaching is that it operates with a timeframe and is geared towards results – in most cases, a three- to six-month timeframe. You’re not going for something open-ended. You’re throwing yourself into an intense but short-term process with objectives: less conflict, more connection, better communication under pressure.
That type of structure appeals to a certain kind of couple; the type who wants to be able to look back and say, are we doing better in actuality, not just because we’ve been going to sessions? Or are we not and need to try something else? It also takes away the stress of an endless process by design. The skills are intended to become permanent, even if the coach isn’t.
That is how you can tell whether you are doing coaching or just venting. You can go to a marriage coaching session, use what you learned the next morning in an argument, and see if you both create a little bit of progress. You can’t really do that in therapy.
What to ask yourself before you start
Two questions really get to the heart of things here. Firstly, are you prepared to try on new behaviors and ways of communicating between sessions, even if they feel uncomfortable? And secondly, is your focus more on making changes to yourself, or are you hoping the process will somehow make your partner different?
If you answer truthfully and your responses are roughly yes and no to the two questions above, coaching is likely your next move. If you’re still in that place where you feel you need to get your head around how and why things went wrong before you can start thinking about what to do next, therapy might be the more appropriate route for now – with coaching following on from that.
In reality, the nudge you need to book your first session is usually the simplest one of all: you’ve reached the same point again, and nothing you’ve done previously has changed the outcome.
