A Grief Playlist for the Days No One Prepares You For: How Music Became My Anchor

Spirituality and art came to my rescue when my beloved Ryan died.

For the first few weeks, it was only Christian songs that made sense and brought me tremendous strength and peace that I found nowhere else.

I had neither the urge nor the appetite for mainstream things.

But I was getting signs in the form of music that weren’t always Christian or spiritual songs.

These songs meant shared love, a sneaky message, a subtle nod from the other side. They held me like a snug blanket on my coldest, most brutal days.

Maybe someday I’ll share the Christian music that carried me through the storm. But for now, this is about those mainstream songs that came in a heartbeat, stayed, and healed.

The Shock

Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feels meaningless.

1. Die with a Smile

This song popped up out of nowhere when I was in the car last evening and I thought to myself,

“Ryan literally died in my arms.”

The death of a loved one was always the only thing I feared. Strangely, I never feared my own.

To witness the death of someone who’s an intimate part of you, your soulmate, while being their anchor in their dying days and our child in this unbelievably challenging weeks, is an experience I don’t have the right words for…

2. Casablanca 

In another episode of bizarre coincidences, on the flight back home to Hyderabad, I was travelling along with my brother, and Ryan’s body was on the same flight.

The flight had ‘Casablanca’ as one of the listed movies. What do you know? The Casablanca Song by Bertie Higgins was our wedding’s first dance song. What are the chances of this vintage movie being available on the same flight? 

“I love you more and more each day as time goes by.”

3. Un-Break My Heart

This song was one of my favourite songs during my wonder years. It brought me joy back then, and a lot of comfort during my challenging time of losing my beloved. 

4. It Must Have Been Love

Feb 10, 2026

I entered the bank for certain practicalities, and they asked me to wait in the seating area. The song playing in the background was Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love”. I got emotional. Again, coincidental given the timing and the fact Ryan was still in the hospital battling life and death. 

“It must have been love 

But it’s over now

It was all that I wanted 

Now I’m living without.”

The Separation

Nothing has ended. And yet, everything has changed.

5. Mujhse Juda Hokar

This one is an unlikely entrée to the grief playlist. I must be one of the few Indians who didn’t like the movie ‘Hum Aapke Hain Kaun’ at all. I liked Salman Khan in the character of Prem, though. After Ryan’s death, this song came to mind, and I kept humming it along so often that I had to watch the video. It was the first time I actually played and watched the song in full. 

6. Main Yahan Hoon

I could relate to this song after Ryan passed away. Like Preity Zinta, I felt like I was seeing Ryan everywhere. Standing, sitting,sleeping, smiling…like he was omnipresent wherever I went. It’s hard to explain, but I felt like I was being watched all the time by him. So, the music video hit all the right spots when I watched and listened to it again. 

7. Tujhe Bula Diya

Ryan mostly listens to English songs, so I distinctly remember every time he shared a Hindi song. They were few and far between.

The first one he sent me was a beautiful cover of the Hindi-English mashup “Tujhe Bhula Diya / Hello” by Gaurav Dagaonkar. That’s how I discovered the original film track, and I took refuge in it.

The Longing

The ache lingers. You want them back.

8. Listen to Your Heart

Feb 10, 2026

Earlier in the day, I heard Roxette’s “It Must Have Been Love” upon entering the bank and it got me all emotional. Later that evening, when we went to the hospital cafeteria after spending some time with Ryan in the ICU, another Roxette song, “Listen To Your Heart,” played as soon as I entered. Ironically, this song was playing rent-free in my mind all of January. 

“Listen to your heart 

When he’s calling for you 

Listen to your heart 

There’s nothing else you can do 

I don’t know where you’re going 

And I don’t know why 

But listen to your heart 

Before you tell him goodbye.“

Roxette was one of our favourite bands. Two Roxette songs played as soon as I entered two different locations on the same day. What are the odds?

9. Back for Good

This tune kept playing rent-free in my head during Ryan’s last few days. But because my mind was so numb and foggy, I wasn’t able to place the song right away. It was a few weeks after Ryan’s funeral when I woke up to the song and its lyrics. 

“Whatever I did, I didn’t mean it

I just want you back for good.” 

I felt happy for two reasons. One I finally got the song whose tune had me guessing for a long time. Two, it felt like Ryan woke me up with these lyrics. It felt really good. 

10. Sealed with a Kiss

This music video came up repeatedly on my YouTube feed, and when I watched it, I kept playing it repeatedly. It reminded me of Ryan somehow, and his love and longing for me to join him whenever he was out of hometown for work. He’d get so excited like a kid and wait for me to join him again every single time. 

“I’ll see you

In the sunlight

I’ll hear your voice everywhere.”

The Memories

Grief is joy visiting uninvited.

11. Islands in the Stream

There are songs that remind you of a special someone. 

For me, this song reminds me of Ryan. This was one of his regular listening when he’d unwind after a day at work while I’d be preparing dinner for the two of us. It would leave me with a huge smile while I hummed ‘Aha!’ back then, and it still does the trick of magically lifting me up now. A-ha! 

Sail away with me to another world!

12. You Sexy Thing

Like “Islands in the Stream”, “You Sexy Thing” was another song Ryan played often after he came home from work while I prepared our dinner. I played all his favourite songs while he was in the hospital, and an American staff attending to him remarked when I played this song, “Your husband has great taste in music.” She was having a whale of a time listening to his favourite songs. 

13. Yeh Shaam Mastani

Ryan loved giving surprises, and they were often such lovely ones. But the surprises I loved the most from him were the ones he didn’t plan for at all. Like the way he had this weird habit of breaking into either old Hindi songs or Christian songs when he was high. The former was always a surprise because he rarely listened to or sang Hindi songs.

On one such a ‘high’ occasion, after we visited a pub late at night on our drive back home, he broke into an extempore rendition of “Yeh Shaam Mastani.” Priceless!

I thought this song suited him so well—from his melodic voice to his easy swagger and that million-dollar smile, a la Rajesh Khanna. Also, who sings Christian songs praising Jesus when they’re high as a kite? Ryan was funny and cute like that. I’ll miss all that and more.

14. Heaven

So, there’s a backstory to this song that I’ll reserve for the future. Anyway, this song has been popping up on my YouTube feed constantly for the last few days, and even now. So, I thought I must include it in this list of mine, given its backstory and constant reminders. 

“And baby, you’re all that I want

When you’re lyin’ here in my arms

I’m findin’ it hard to believe

We’re in Heaven.”

15. Woman in Love

I fell in love with this Barbra Streisand song ever since I heard it. And I love this ardently sung cover a tad bit more. The song speaks to me because I think love is eternal and there’s no measure of time. I rejoice in our shared love that’s eternal. 

“With you eternally mine

In love there is no measure of time.”

The Breakdown

When it finally hits.

16. Unchained Melody

This song came out of nowhere as I stepped out of the bathroom after a shower, in the week following Ryan’s funeral. A song that I never listened to in years, and now, it held a deeper meaning with its desperation and unbound, unwavering declaration of bold love. 

17. It’s All Coming Back to Me Now

This song came back to memory a few months ago, and then a few times again. When I listened to it after Ryan’s death, it spoke to my phases when I felt the most vulnerable in my private moments. 

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything
and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance.”

Ecclesiastes 3:1-4 

Faith and science are in concurrence about managing grief. Grief needs a healthy space to mourn and let it all out. Mourning is the first essential step towards healing, growth, and grace.

Some of these songs have held me while I mourned freely.

Some of these songs hugged me tight when I needed them the most.

Some of these songs felt like a private love letter between Ryan and me, corresponding like long-lost lovers between realms.

Some of these songs brought a huge smile to my face and burst open the cloudy grey skies, showering rain on my achy breaky heart.

What are your go-to songs in grief?

This post is a part of Blogchatter A2Z Challenge 2026.